The Last Jedi is causing some ripples in our own cultural galaxy’s force, to mix up some metaphors. This year’s annual installment from the almighty Disney Empire has managed the seemingly impossible by not only throwing out all sorts of preconceptions of the series, and giving it a new boost of life, but also pleasing critics and fans alike.
So, it seems that it’s our duty as cinephiles to check it out, right?
Scheduling might be an issue here though, and if you’re not booked for a screening until this coming weekend like us, then avoiding the temptation to get a sneaky glimpse of what’s in store is a battle in itself. Reviews, comments and spoilers are RIFE online and far more likely to dampen the eventual pleasures of surprise that we have in store…
With this in mind, and taking a play from the Orange-hued ‘f’ing moron’ currently occupying the White House, the best way to obstruct from the truth is to fill our minds with distractions and obfuscations. If we can no longer determine truth from something not even remotely resembling it, then we can only be surprised by each new turn of events as they present themselves… no matter how predictable or how many times we were warned about something.
Without further ado, therefore, here are some Last Jedi spoilers that will set your mind so adrift that what you eventually see on the screen will invarably come as pleasant surprises.
- Jar Jar Binks, long hoped to be dead by simply EVERYONE, makes a surprise Cameo in Episode VIII as a droid psychiatrist.
- Porgs are actually cute space parrots, instinctively mimicking the noises of any other lifeform they hear, especially Wookies.
- There’s going to be YET ANOTHER attempt to build YET ANOTHER Death Star. Those Imperial Planners just aren’t getting it, are they?
- Luke Skywalker didn’t ‘disappear’, he just went on holiday and discovered that instead of all this constant fighting, what he really fancied was some time alone to work in his poetry and practise the mandalin.
- Han Solo wasn’t killed by his son for nothing, but in a Oedipal twist, Kylo Ren was just making space to ask Leia out for an evening of ‘dancing and cosmic entertainment’
- On a similar note, BB8 and R2D2 become romantically involved and spawn not just a toaster as offspring, but an entire range of kitchen accessories.
- In a bizarre case of art imitating life, The Millenium Falcon is revealed to be made of Lego bricks.
- X-wing Fighters can only make the jump to hyper-space when their pilots tap their ruby slippers together and repeat the words ‘there’s no place like…’ No, just too weird.
- The tagline of Episode IX, after ‘The Force Awakens’, ‘The Last Jedi’ will be ‘To Go To the Bathroom in the Morning’ – making a beautiful complete sentence that reveals all you need to know about the mysterious Energy that binds the Galaxy together. (credit to Mike Pesca of The Gist for that quip)
- In Star Wars – Episode XXXVII, slated for release in 2036, the Force will be revealed to have just been the result of an experiment gone wrong in the LHC.
Thoroughly confused enough?
So, now’s the time to go to the cinema. May the enjoyment be with you. Always.